Thursday, 29 October 2009

128. Pillow talk

I am generally a truly happy person, the people around me have given me the luxury of not needing to worry about much else, which I am fully grateful for. So sometimes I thing my biggest problem isn't too big after all if I compare myself to many out there.

But I came to realize yesterday that my biggest issue in life is and truly is, myself. Well, I realize that a long time ago, I just choose to ignore them and kept telling myself that I am not wrong for wanting that.

I am a perfectionist and I seek the ultimate perfection. And sometimes, nothing less than perfect will do. Perfection that I have gathered in my mind over the years and from readings and looking, feeling, wanting, etc, etc.

And worse of all being me, is that once I realize that that illusion of the perfection I am seeing is made up of my own delusions and is starting to crumble down on me, I have a hard time accepting that. I don't know where to run, who to hide behind. It is almost impossible to put my hands around it and grasp that new knowledge and I am left stumbling wondering what now? Years of gathered information has all just turned into nothing-ness.

And as I said above, to begin with my ideas' were made up by myself. Or at least I have hoped that was what it is. And everyone in this world has already learnt the reality of things and couldn't possibly understand why am I feeling this way.

I like to believe perfection is possible, we just have to push harder, seek further, look deeper. At at one point of it, I am sure we will get there. Is that really too much to ask for?

Is that really too much to ask for?

Guess, I should go now. Got to reprogram my head about something new. It is not that new found knowledge is bad or anything, it is just not what is in my head and now I have to reprogram myself onto accepting something new.

Loads of happy picture, just as a distraction. :)

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